Hopeless
by Payie
Summary: Becoming more and more depressed by her new 'friend', Raven struggles with her decision if her life is really worth living....RavenBeastBoy
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: ...You know, I think I'd rather be one of the titans then actually own them...they aren't mine, nor will they ever be sniff

A/N: Well, this is my first try at a Teen Titan fic...I do hope you enjoy it And if not, well then you are more then welcome to lie to my face...jk jk, do feel free to criticize hehe. This is a Raven and Beast Boy fic, with probably hints to Robin and Starfire.

Summary:

Raven finds herself in an abusive relationship with a friend from the library—and of course Beast Boy is here to the rescue…

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She was sitting at their dedicated rendezvous point, one of the private rooms at the back of the library, casually flipping through a book about ancient magic. She could feel her fingers drum the side of the table as she heard the seconds tic past, the clock hanging above her going incredibly slower as it approached 6. The pit of her stomach tightened slightly, but she ignored it completely, as she did all of her arising emotions.

Raven wasn't one to show fear.

There should be nothing in this world for her to show fear. After all, with just the focus of her mind she could send most beings smashing into walls or rain on them a fury of dark spells. Why should she be afraid of a mere powerless human?

Who reminded her so much of herself?

As if summoned by her fruitless mind wanderings, a young man, around 20 years old, silently opened the door and made his way beside her. Raven didn't even look up as he came in. They sat in silence, with only the rustles of her turning pages echoing lightly in the silent room. He had a brooding sort of air about him, the kind of silent torment that Raven had felt so drawn toward the moment she had met him.

The first time they met was in this room. The library, while quiet, was often busy with people wandering down the shelves in hushed whispers. Raven found those soft whispers even more irritating then trying to read while in the room with Cyborg and Beast Boy, neither of which quiet was part of their vocabulary, and so was in one of the secluded reading rooms. Then he had come in.

Malvern Draynel.

After that, it seemed they were running into each other rather a lot in the library. Or at least it appeared that way. It's hard to figure if she was just noticing it because she now recognized him, or if he was making it a point to find her.

And soon they got to talking. Unlike her fellow superheroes at the tower, this boy showed a genuine interest in books. And was smart. And dark. And had a strange desperation to hide all his feelings from everyone.

How could she not sympathize?

She spent her whole life trying to hide who she was, and to find someone else, someone desperately trying to control some deep rage within, she felt herself automatically being drawn to him. And he also to her. No…it was more that he needed her.

He needed someone to talk to. Someone to confide in. No one else had ever needed her in this way...to make her feel that someone cared for her. Everyone else couldn't understand what she was going through. Everyone else seemed to see her as no more then the silent, brooding Raven who was always ready to give some dry sarcastic remark.

It wasn't that she doubted they considered her a friend. It's easy to be friendly, even without ever truly knowing the other person. The Tamaranian Princess liked anyone and everyone—it wasn't in her blood _not_ to like someone, unless they are genuinely evil. Cyborg, well, was Cyborg. He might not like everyone that crossed his path, but he certainly didn't have too much against her. Robin was calculating and loyal. She imagined that he saw her friendship more as a necessity for their team then anything else. And Beast Boy...how could someone so carefree and happy really know anything about her?

Meanwhile, her thoughts returned the man beside her.

Finally setting her book aside, she looked up at him, he staring down at the book with a half smile on his face. "Any good?" Something dark flashed in his eyes, suddenly turning the smile into more of a feverish grimace. This wasn't going to be a good session.

"As good as any." She said lightly.

"_Dark ashes of hell bound souls rain upon humanity. Death to Death_—" He read a line out of the book. "Sounds interesting." His voice was surprisingly calm, and Raven snapped her book shut with a loud clap. "I imagine _you_ like reading those kind of books?" Despite his cool tone, the quaver in his voice couldn't escape, and Raven felt herself shiver under his steadfast gaze.

"I suppose."

Raven knew that there was something wrong with her. She had that feeling for awhile now, growing stronger in the back of her head to the point where ignoring it was almost impossible. Almost.

She never thought she would become one of those people, the kind that found themselves in a kind of twisted relationship, where they knew they needed help, and knew that it wasn't right. _Completely ridiculous. _She had thought that on more then one occasion. But he needed her. This was different. It had to be different.

He slowly reached up and grabbed her wrist, tighter then necessary, his finger digging into her skin. "You weren't here last night." Malvern said softly. Although she could feel herself shivering at the remark, her emotions betrayed nothing.

"We had a call. Some idiot was terrorizing the city again." She said after a moment. A pang of guilt wrenched through her.

"They don't need you." He spat the words out. "They don't even know you. _I _do though." Somewhere in his voice was searching for understanding on how she could abandon him. "_I need you." _Every word was very direct, very striking.

"Malvern," She tried to begin, but he shook his head, and she could tell by the glint in his eyes that he was trying to suppress his anger. "Calm down." Although her words were clearly an order, they were softly said and she placed her free hand on his shoulder. "You can control this." She stared steadily at him. 

Instead of calming him, he began to get more agitated, angrily shoving her away from him. The chair toppling over, she felt the side of her head smash against the table and quickly collected her nerves, levitating herself before she could hit the ground. Standing up carefully, she studied him with nervous eyes. His anger...its raw fury reminded too much of what could happen to her. On a smaller scale, yes, but eerily familiar.

He was gripping the side of the table with determination, as though trying to force his emotion to be contained back into him. Unlike some days when he was like this, he appeared to be under more control. Quietly, she picked the chair back up and sat back down, trying not to let any of her fear be evident on her face. She could easily stop him if he ever got too bad. This was often said in her mind, more often then she liked.

"I'm sorry Raven." He said softly. "You know I didn't mean it."

"I know." She found that she couldn't believe otherwise. Looking at her face, he reached up one hand and touched her cheek, wincing as he pressed on the already forming bruise with more pressure then he ought to.

"You need me too, don't you?"

Again, she couldn't say no. A part of her did need him. Needed every emotional outbreak. Needed every cold, bitter abuse, even if it left remains on her skin or on her mind. She felt contaminated by her own darkness within herself. It was like she was slowly morphing into the very darkness of her own soul, the very darkness that she held deep in her heart. If she couldn't help this one man control his own emotions, how was she ever to keep her true self contained? The demon deep inside her…

"I do."

---

Heading home, Raven felt tired. She was always so tired on days like these. Touching her face, she winced slightly as she came across the bruise from earlier. Raven knew she should heal it. She had the power to...but it felt like it was a throbbing reminder of her own failures. To heal it would be the easy way out.

Pulling her hood more securely around her face, and checking to make sure the shadowy marks about her wrist weren't that obvious, she continued on. Stepping inside the Titan Tower, she winced at the loud yelling coming from the living room. Cautiously turning the corner, she saw, without too much surprise, Beast Boy and Cyborg battling each other with another one of their video games.

"Duuuuude! That's sooo not fair!" The green robot on the screen suddenly exploded. She watched as Beast Boy threw down his controller in defeat.

The half man, half machine stood up and did a little victory dance. "Don't hate the robot master—I beat you fair and square!"

"Did not! I was distracted!"

"Pfft, whatever man—you know I won!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Di—" One of the vases near them exploded into an array of flying black glass. Both of them immediately jumped in shock, and then glared at each other in furious determination, as though the other had been at fault.

"If you are going to argue, at least do it quietly." Raven said in annoyance, shaking her head. They again jumped, this time at the sound of her voice, and turned their heads in eerie harmony as they looked at the dark hooded figure standing at the edges of the room.

"Sorry Rae." Beast Boy spoke first, looking a little embarrassed by the event. "If Cyborg will just admit that he didn't wi—"

"What took you so long?" Cyborg interrupted him, clamping the changeling's mouth with one of his hands. Beast Boy started waving his arms frantically, finally turning into a small mouse to escape from his grasp. "Dinner was at seven." She shrugged, her narrow shoulders sending ripples down her long cape.

"Library."

"Geez, Raven—you practically live there now a days!" Cyborg laughed.

"If you are hungry I can make you some tasty tofu sandwiches?" Beast Boy, who had just finished glaring angrily at Cyborg, asked, sounding almost overly hopeful at this suggestion. As long as she had known him, he was still trying to convert her to being a full blown vegetarian like himself.

"I think I'd rather starve." She remarked, unnervingly honest.

"Meh, suit yourself—"

"Heey BB...want another butt kicking?" One controller dangled temptingly in Cyborg's hand.

"Whatever dude—time to show you my true skills!" And with that, she was forgotten. Hearing the crashing sounds of the game swirling around in the room again, she continued down the hallway and into her room. A part of her wondered if she should tell the other titans she was in, but then decided Beast Boy and Cyborg would probably let them know. Lowering the hood of her cloak, she looked into her hand mirror—the gateway into her emotions as well as a convenient way to inspect her face—and studied the whelp with a frown.

Pale skin did nothing to help hide the blaring semi circular bruise around her face. Most of the time, she normally was more careful then this and could catch herself before impact. Or if she did slip like today, she was normally just hurt on her side, or somewhere else easily hidden to the titan crew. Her face would be bit trickier until their next battle. After that she could claim it was from fighting. Until then, her hood would be her shield.

Still sitting, and deciding meditating would help calm her nerves, she closed her eyes and floated Indian style above her chair, hands still gripping the mirror. Slowly she felt herself become intoned with her body, and after a moment, she began to chant.

_"Azarath__ Metreon Zinthos."_

_"Azarath__ Metreon Zinthos."_

Inside her mind, she could feel herself confront each of her emotions, maintaining complete control of all her feelings. She could do this. She had to do this.

Thoughts, like they often did now days, went back to Malvern. Like always, he stirred up many emotions inside her. She couldn't say that she cared for him more than a friend, but, like she admitted before, she needed him. She needed to prove to herself her emotions could be controlled. Raven wasn't even sure to this point if she needed to prove she could get his emotions under control or if she just needed to keep controlling her own around him to prove this point. She focused on the throbbing on her wrist and head, taking on each pain as another burden within her.

If the thing in her ever got out, if it teared through her emotionless body, it would be the end for her and everything else. She did deserve this, the bruise, the pain of not even being able to laugh out loud without fear that her emotions were becoming chaotic.

Time clicked away as she concentrated, and she was so deep in her thoughts that she failed to here her door click open hesitantly, and failed to notice a figure step into the room. The startled gasp, however, threw her out of her trance and she looked irate at the person standing in front of the open door, a wash of light spilling over both of them from the illuminating hallway.

"Beast Boy! How many times have I told you not to come in my room without my permission?" She felt her eyes glow black for a moment, and mentally cursed herself. Now she would have to start her meditation all over again.

"I, uh, just thought I'd bring up some food, you know." He stammered a bit, a little taken back by an irritated Raven. In his hands he carried a tray holding a glass of tea, and, some sandwiches. She prayed they weren't tofu.

Looking at him carefully, she felt herself inhaling deeply as she realized that his stammering was probably not caused by her being irritated. Fear flashed in her eyes as she mentally chagrined herself, flipping the hood of her cape to hide the bruise he had been so absorbed in.

The action seemed to break him from whatever trance it held, and he exclaimed, "Rae! What happened?" He rushed over beside her, the tea spilling onto the floor. "Dude, that bruise looked awful—you want me to go get some ice for it or something?"

"No, its nothing." She said, her voice rather tight. "An accident." For some reason, no lie sounded suitable to her ears.

"Nothing? Meditating normally doesn't hurt you that much." He cracked, smiling a bit, although the worry in his eyes betrayed the humor. "Unless beating your head with the mirror is pa—"

"No, but I'm willing to use it to beat yours." She remarked dryly.

"Ah ha, ha," He seemed to be at a lost for words, a frantic look crossing his face as he seemed to think she could very well be serious for a moment. "Why don't I go get Robin to look at it for you?" She felt herself stiffen.

Even from the folds of her hood, he could sense her eyes burning down at him. "If you tell any of them, you are going to wish I did hit you with the mirror." Her patience was wearing thin. No one could no about this. "I just fell." The excuse sounded fake even in her own ears.

"But Rae—"

"_Get_ _out_." She didn't mean for the tone of her voice to come out so harsh, but she refused to say anything to lighten them. Raven tried to will him to leave, her mind flashing with desperation. He wouldn't understand what was going on! He couldn't know. This was between her and Malvern.

Normally her words would scare him into submission, but he was being remarkably stubborn today, his expression finally becoming completely serious. "Rae, you didn't have that bruise before you left for the library." She remained silent, her shadowy figure growing more ominous in the dark room. "Come on, you can tell me..." He morphed into a small kitten, the kind with the adorable eyes that no one could resist. "Pleeaaase?"

Raven found the kitten even more irritating then his other form. Not that it wasn't cute—it was impossibly adorable. But she couldn't tell him what was going on, and he was the kind who wanted to help, the kind of person who wasn't simply going to let it drop. Without warning, the cat suddenly flew out of the room, slamming into the wall out the door. "I told you to leave." She said darkly, and the door flew shut, sending her back by herself.

She heard sounds of him picking himself up, and then a muffled "Well fine! I don't want to help you any way!" Guilt was already pinching her heart, and she shook her head menacingly. She'd rather him be mad and hate her then she tell what was going on. Because if he knew…a little voice in her head, the same one that had been warning her that something was wrong began whispering. _He could help._

Sitting back down, Raven began to meditate once again.

_"Azarath__ Metreon Zinthos."_

---

Beast Boy knew something was up. It was hard not to, after Raven spazzed on him and sent him flying into the wall—something that _really _hurt. In more ways then one. Feeling bitter and betrayed by it, he moped into his room, kicking the wall before flinging himself onto his bed. "She didn't have to be so mean." He said, frowning. "I was only trying to help."

Soon his mind went back to the bruise on the side of her face. Maybe it really was an accident...but Raven was a pretty careful girl. She didn't just go falling down the stairs, or have books fall on her face. And even if it did happen, she would simply heal herself back up. So why was it there, so obvious on her pale face?

Beast Boy could remember her eyes when she saw that he noticed. She looked...scared almost, as though he had seen something very secret. The anger he had been holding slowly melted away. _She needs my help_ he decided. It would be unwelcome help, he knew, but all the same, he had to do something. The idea of telling the others came into his mind, but those eyes came back, haunting him. Her beautiful eyes showing fear seemed...unnatural. He shook his head in irritation. If he told someone, she'd hate him forever. And he hated the idea of her hating him. Not when he—shaking his head he refused to discuss it with himself.

"I got to do something." He sat back up, one hand on his chin as his face contorted with thought. Thinking…wasn't his strong point. He was more of an act now, regret later sort of guy. And for some reason, his mind kept drifting to finding life sized robots to destroy the library itself. _Maybe the building is an elaborate cover up for aliens, who have been abducting Raven to be used on their twisted experiments! _He started for a moment. The library…Suddenly it hit him.

Tomorrow when she went out for her usual book run, he'd be right behind her.

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I hope you enjoyed it !

Reviews make me happy and happiness surely leads to quicker updates...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them

A/N: I really thought I had something to say here...but then I realized I didn't, soo without further waiting, here's the next chapter

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Raven was determined not to say one word to Beast Boy that entire day. She felt if she said anything, it would end up coming out as an apology for the night before, and she didn't want that to happen. She contemplated staying in her room until it was time for her meeting with Malvern, but hunger got the best of her, and she left around noon time. Beast Boy was sitting on the sofa, watching one of his TV shows with complete rapture, while Starfire was flying about the room, a look of worry on her face.

"Friend Raven!" She cried frantically, zooming over so quickly that Raven hardly had time to react. The red haired girl gripped her hands with urgency. "I am most distressed!"

"What is it this time?" Raven said guardedly. The last time Starfire was "most distressed" she ended up being forced to go to the—she shivered—mall, and spend three hours helping her pick out a pair of _shoes_ that would go with her _dress._

"Beast Boy is being a..a…Harkus Lampos!" She said, her eyes flashing for a second with anger before turning back into simple worry. "I insisted that he let me watch my show next about the girl and her dog, but he has yet complied!" She looked at her in absolute desperation. A girl with no in-between emotions, the very reflection of what Raven could never be.

"I'm sure he'll change it." She said, trying not to get in the middle of this rather domestic fight.

"But Raven, he is being most impossible!" Starfire said frantically, pulling her arm with such might that her hood almost slipped off. Raven felt herself go completely cold.

"Do you think I care?" And without waiting for her to answer, she went to the cabinet and grabbed the first thing she could reach before disappearing out the room. _Crackers will have to do_ she thought darkly to herself, feeling an unusual amount of bitterness to the happy Tamaranian.

---

"Did I do something to offend Raven?" Starfire flew over to the green haired figure on the couch. Her arms hung down in worry for her gloomy friend. Beast Boy, despite his appearances, had been very much aware of the conversation behind him. Raven, never the most _friendliest_ of people, seemed to be growing even colder then usual.

Even before she had thrown him out her room, he had noticed it. She seemed to becoming more and more distant, her words often coming out hard and cold, rather then laced with the amused sarcasm they had all grown accustomed to.

"Nah," He finally said. "She's been acting funny for awhile."

"Why is that? Does she have the case of the aches and chills?"

"I don't think so, Star," Beast boy said after a moment of serious consideration. Maybe she was sick…if his theory about the library torturing her was true…then….he shook his head, dismissing the thought. _Robin could probably figure it out…_ He internally muttered—this kind of thing was more his cup of tea then the changelings. Concentrating, he tried to put some perspective on his thought. _What would Robin think?_ It must be a twisted plot by Slade! Still…that didn't seem right either. _Gah, we are her friends—what could be getting her so worked up? _

"Beast Boy?" Jumping at the sound of his name, he saw Starfire still standing beside him, looking confused by his long silence. "Were you lost in reflection?"

"Heeey," Beast Boy suddenly said, not really paying attention to Starfire's question. "—do you know what Raven's been doing at the library?"

"Reading." Starfire said easily, looking surprised by the question. "Is that not what one does at the Library?"

"Library?" Robin interrupted from behind him.

Beast Boy jumped, "Duuuude! Don't sneak up on people like that!"

"Robin!" Starfire said happily, flying over to him. "Beast Boy and I are conversing over friend Raven."

"Oh." The caped boy simply looked at them both. "Is something wrong with her?"

"Oh, no, no, aha, there is nothing wrong with her!" The changeling exclaimed, a large smile plastered on his face in a desperate attempt to sound believable. Starfire was not the kind to question too deeply into Raven if she didn't see anything wrong, but Robin on the other hand…..

The Tamaranian, who had apparently not noticed Beast Boys strange behavior, was staring back up at the TV, where Star Trek was playing in all its glorious fury.

"Friend Beast Boy," Her tone was overly sweet, causing him to look at her in suspicion. "Please give me the channel changer or I'll feed you to a Belovian."

"Gah!" Deciding not to risk whatever a "Belovian" was, he handed her the remote. "Geez—but I better have it back afterwards!" The princess ignored him, already fully enthralled in her show, her arms wrapped tightly about her legs.

"You are both most welcome to join me in watching?" She took one second to look up, her expression hopeful. Robin shook his head.

"Sorry, but I got some work to do. I need to finish running the analysis over our last battl—"

"Boorriiingg," Beast Boy complained loudly, but inside he glad for the sudden topic change. "Seriously, you really need to work on having some fun." The other titan raised one eyebrow at him.

"Who said I wasn't having fun?" And then he continued on his way.

---

Raven sat in her darkened room, catching occasion muffled voices as her fellow Titans enjoyed the day without her. Even if she wasn't avoiding Beast Boy, she wasn't sure if she would go out and join them. A part of her didn't feel like she really deserved it, while the other part of her claimed she simply did not want it. Why be the lonely void in the middle of their mass of emotions?

Meditating and watching the clock in anxious eyes, she finally decided she needed to get out. If she left now, she could spend a good hour reading before her meeting time with Malvern. Also, it would be much more distracting then sitting pensive about what was going on beyond her door.

Walking down the hall, she frowned at the lack of noise her footsteps gave off. It was as though she instinctively tried to hide her presence even when she was alone...or perhaps the building itself didn't recognize her as an actual person, seeing beyond her human mask to the cold darkness that lay below.

Staying in the shadows, she heard voices in the living room, and was about to enter when Cyborg suddenly announced, "Sooo, everyone is down with Pizza them?"

"The bread with cheese is most delightful," Starfire's voice said brightly. "Shall we all go together? I could go get Beast Boy and Raven!"

"Beast Boy said he'd pass." Raven noticed the long pause that elapsed after those words could only imagine what reaction everyone was giving to the thought of Beast Boy passing up pizza.

"You didn't threaten to slip some meat into his, did you?" Robin sighed.

"Well, maybe a little." The half man, half machine admitted, "But he seemed really set on beating the high score set by yours truly," His gloating was easily read in his words, "on Monkey Madness IV."

"And Raven probably wouldn't want to come anyway, so I guess it's just us then." Robin commented, their voices fading as they seemed to be stepping out of the room.

Starfire seemed to say something in response, but by this time, their voices were muffled to the extent that Raven couldn't make out what was said. After a moment, she continued forward, pausing in the living room.

The room, so bare and empty without the chattering of the people who just left, appeared to mock her, reminding her again and again how acutely alone she truly was. Darkening, she stepped on, her footsteps faltering once as she thought over the conversation again. It wasn't like she would go with them anyway. Still…she wouldn't have minded being invited. Shaking her head, she forced herself to stop thinking about it. _I am alone_ she reminded herself bitterly.

The trip to the library took her much less time then it normally did, she levitating towards it with such furious determination that it appeared for one moment that she wasn't going to stop, that she simply was going to smash into the side and end it all there. At the last minute, she landed on the ground, looking up to the one place that she felt she was welcome in.

Taking out the book she had been reading before, she sat in the private back room and forced herself to only think about the tome before her and the words resting on its page.

---

Beast Boy, proud by the little fib he had told the others to get out of going to pizza, morphed into a small fly and was busily searching the Tower for Raven. She appeared to have already left her room, and he suddenly was afraid that his entire plan was ruined; that maybe she had gone to the library much earlier then usual. Relief hit him, however, when he saw her standing in the living room.

He couldn't make out her emotions very clearly, the pulled up cape sending her face into dark shadows. She simply stood there for awhile, looking unaware of the time going passed before she wrenched herself forward, her hands clamping a bit from some internal struggle. He resisted the urge to transform back into his usual self and ask her what was the matter. Beast Boy had the feeling that even if he did, she wouldn't answer. _I got to do this the old fashion, sneaky way,_ he thought. Inside his mind, he started humming a James Bond theme song, suddenly feeling very mysterious by his actions.

As soon as she left the tower, things became trickier. She wasn't simply levitating towards the library---she was zooming there, with such speed that it was impossible for simply his fly form to keep up. Concentrating, he turned into a small bird in a desperate tempt to keep her in sight while still remaining inconspicuous, but it didn't seem to help. Soon, she was but a smidge in the landscape before him.

It wasn't that he didn't know where to find her—he just didn't know exactly where she would be once she got there. And, if his theory proved to be correct and the library was some evil organization, then there was probably going to be all sorts of diabolical traps meant to prevent him from finding out the secrets.

When he landed at the library, he was kind of surprised by how big it was. It wasn't that he had never come here before…actually, thinking it over, he realized he really _hadn't_ been here before. Turning back into fly form, he flew from corner to corner, trying to spot his blue cloaked friend. _I know she's in here_…Try as he might, he wasn't able to spot her. And on top of that, nobody seemed to be acting very suspicious either. Both lack of discoveries were starting to make him disgruntled._ Maybe she got the bruise after she left the library…_

Finally, getting tired of people swatting him, he turned back into his normal form in a secluded area. "Hmmmm," His face scrunched up in thought. Trying again for an idea, he repeated, "Hmmmm…"

"Excuse me, do you need help looking for anything?" A girl, probably just a few years older then him, asked pleasantly. She wore a name tag that read Susy W. White, and had a studious air about her. Trying to seem suave, he slicked back his hair with the palm of his hand and crossed his arms, shifting his weight to one side.

"Nah, I'm just browsing," in his mind, those words seemed much cooler then they actually sounded. He wasn't really use to being around girls, minus Starfire and Raven, and he tried to cover up his naive ness the best he could with simple cockiness.

"Uh huh," Susy W. White said skeptically. "If you need anything, just ask us."

"Unless, of course, you are looking for something?" He said, saying the first thing that came into his mind. "I mean, like someone as cool," He gave his hair another slick back, "as me?"

"Does that even _count_ as a pick up line?" The girl shook her head, and then walked away without saying another word.

"Aww, come on, it wasn't that bad!" He wined, but felt himself blush from embarrassment. He stood there for a few minutes, before remembering why he had come here in the first place. Then he started blushing with embarrassment again.

Becoming focused on his search once again, he turned quickly around the corner of the book shelf, as though to hide from the humiliation he had just suffered. A he did, he noticed someone open a door to the room near where he was standing. Before it could close, he definitely saw a flash of blue cloak. "Raven!" Quickly he changed once again into the flying insect and darted underneath the door and into the room.

He was feeling very pleased with himself by his sudden change in luck. Sitting there, reading an old book was the Titan girl he had been searching for. What he wasn't pleased about was that there was only one other person in here. And he was male. And he was sitting right next to Raven. And that they were _talking_ together.

---

"Good evening Raven." Malvern said as he walked in. Raven studied him, already trying to see what exactly kind of mood he was in today.

"Good evening," She said politely back.

Even when sitting down, he seemed to be tense, his shoulders rigid, and his eyes focusing only on her. With one hand, he pulled back the hood around her face…

"You don't have to hide from me." He said simply. Those words, if they had come from any other person, could have been a reassuring reminder that she could be her true self around him. However, he was not like most people. The words had an almost biting tone to them, as though mocking her secrets…as though he could see straight through to the nightmare of her other self.

"What was your opinion on the Garenstan?" He pulled out a book of his own, and gestured to the author's name, abruptly taking Raven out of her thoughts. "I find him to be a bit naïve, personally, but he did make some valid points."

"He portrays the world very black and white." Raven said after a moment of musing. For awhile they conversed over the book, she feeling refreshed to have her mind on something else rather then her own broodings, even if she knew it wasn't going to last. Even while talking, she noticed how he stressed every dark point, and seemed to focus in on the idea of death.

"We are alone." He suddenly said. Although they were in the room with just the two of them, she had a feeling he meant beyond their physical position. She watched as his shoulders almost began to shake from how tense he was becoming. Slowly she nodded.

"Just shadows." She said softly, lifting her hands in a gesture like she was cupping the light. Nothing more then the darkness on the wall…unnoticed, unwanted…and something to fear because of what it holds.

"Sometimes it's best for light to go out." Malvern had a far away look in his eyes, his voice drawing down into a whisper. He looked over at her, with a fixed determination, gripping both her wrists. "Are you afraid?" The metaphor didn't go unnoticed to Raven…he was talking of something more permanent, more dramatic. Death.

"Of dying? I'm a Titan—I live with my life on the line." She said calmly.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about." His words were frigid. "We are both smarter then that." She did know what he was talking about. It was something she herself thought about on more then on occasion

Was she afraid of dying? Was she afraid of ending it all? All her pain that she had gone through? All the loneliness that she had felt?

She shivered.

Not responding, she continued to stare up at him, not able to break away from his gaze. "If all we have is the potential to cause pain, then why are we still here?" Cause pain? The demon inside her…was it really worth living when at any moment she could become the gateway to hell on earth…? Or continue what she was doing, being a human shell living the lie of being alive, when happiness was so far away from her?

She felt her head tighten with conflicting emotions. Everything he said made sense…she had only the potential to do evil…

"Death would only prove we lost." She said softly, her wavering voice betraying her words. Raven wasn't even sure if she believed in that anymore. Shaking her head, she tried to get her thoughts in order. It wasn't like her to be so shaky. Her voice returning to its normal monotone, she continued. "It would be the easy way out." Grimacing at her words, she felt as though she was some cheesy teacher telling her student's "Drug's are bad."

His eyes darkened, and he stood up quickly, still holding onto her wrists. The sudden action sent blaring pain shooting through her arms as they were painfully pulled in a direction they didn't want to go. She shifted her body, relieving it somewhat, as he continued to glare down at her. "You know that I'm telling the truth!" He said angrily. "Why try to deny you aren't black to the core?" Raven stared at him, her face not betraying any emotion.

"I'm not denying it." She said callously, trying not to wince as his fingers began to bury themselves in her skin.

"Are you afraid?" He repeated the words from earlier, his voice emotionless as her own.

"Death is just an escape."

"Not so much as living." Suddenly he let go one of her wrists, and reached into his coat pocket, bringing out a silver knife. Still gripping the other, he held the point into her palm, the tip sinking into her soft hands. She gave away nothing, even as her blood slowly began to run down her wrist, traveling in slow progression down her arm. "I don't want to die alone…"

She opened her mouth to speak, not sure what exactly she was going to say, when suddenly a very large gorilla landed on top of Malvern. The entire scene before her played out in slow motion, her hand falling lifelessly to her side, the knife into the air, Malvern to the ground…

The gorilla, very green and very angry, was morphing with agonizing slowness back into his original form. The knife, was falling onto the ground and it wasn't until the soft clink of it hitting the linoleum floor that she finally found herself able to react.

Beast Boy was here. He must have seen everything. He must have heard everything. He was now staring at the unconscious Malvern with undeniable anger, and then casting worried glances to her own person. Why was he here? This was the place she was alone…it wasn't right. He had seen her in this _vulnerable_ position, where she was in a place she could be her true self. This wasn't right.

Her eyes started to glow black as she felt herself become angry. Tentacles of dark magic shot around her as she tried to stay in control. Not trusting to use her own powers right now, she simply walked up to the changeling. He looked up at her, his expressions reading a variety of emotions, from anger, to worry, to simple confusion. Bringing one hand back, she slapped him.

"Raven…" He held one hand to his face, a slow crimson spreading across his cheek

"_Azarath Metreon Zinth_os." And then she was gone.

---

Sitting on the wall over the two people, Beast Boy felt himself become more and more irritated. Raven was _talking_ to another boy. What if they were going out? What if she was having some secret romance with the mysterious library chump?

Only half paying attention as the two talked about some book he had brought, he suddenly noticed that the entire conversation had gotten quiet. Looking down, he saw the guy was standing up, holding Raven's hands and whispering something to her. _She's being seduced!_ For some reason, that was the only thought running through his mind. _Oh please let him be an evil blood sucker so I can kick is butt…._ He wished desperately.

He shook his head, quite a feat when so small. It wasn't that he was jealous. Or at least that's what he kept saying to himself. He should just have the right to know about this mysterious guy Raven was talking to. Remembering the bruise on her face, he suddenly got a bad feeling about this situation. What if he was behind it? Flying down closer to the two, he heard snatches of their conversation.

"You know that I'm telling the truth!" The guy was yelling, sounding very angry. Beast Boy cursed his lack of attention span. Apparently things had just gotten interesting. "Why try to deny you aren't black to the core?" Black to the core? Sure Raven was a bit dark, but wasn't he being a little harsh?

"I'm not denying it." Raven's cold answer made Beast Boy's worry increase. She seemed…to really believe what she just said.

"Are you afraid?"

"Death is just an escape." Death?

"Not so much as living." The boy took out something form the depths of his coat. Not being in the right position to see exactly what it was, he had to fly desperately around the two. His eyes widened. "I don't want to die alone…" The blood on Ravens arm snapped something in him. No one should hurt Raven!

And here she was, sitting there, taking this treatment.

Not knowing what else to do, he did the only thing he could. He attacked. It didn't take much to knock the fellow out---he simply landed on him in his gorilla floor, sending him smashing into the ground. Raven was staring at him, her gaze a mixture of both confusion and disbelief.

Slowly shifting back, he stood in front of her, suddenly not knowing what to say.

Raven's eyes slowly grew black with rage, and he found himself taking an involuntary step backwards as she walked over towards him.

_Slap_

The contact of her hand to his face…The sound echoed in his ears, in his mind. One hand reached up to feel the burning mark.

"Raven…." Couldn't she see that he had helped her? Then again, he also followed her…but the guy had a knife! His emotions were struggling, yet the one thought that stayed on top was….Raven had slapped him. For some reason that hurt more then any of the other things she could have done. Or she could have said….

Not even speaking to him, she said some words under her breathe…then disappeared through the wall

Leaving Beast Boy very much alone.

------

A big thanks for all those who have reviewed! Reviews are like candy to us writers…Suggestions, comments, anything!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own Teen Titans…

A big thanks to everyone who reviewed! It really does help me feel the story is worth continuing when I get input (hint hint)

A/N: Mmm, just to clear up something---Raven has been meeting up with Malvern for a few months now, and he's not exactly the most stable of people. I should have probably eluded to that more, but he's been feeding to Raven that she's absolutely nothing, and, even though she's a smart girl, with her situation she has fallen for it…

Hehe, well with that said, on to the story!

---

Raven was just flying. She had no purpose, no destination, other then to get as far away as she could before she collapsed from simple exhaustion.

Beast Boy had heard everything.

He had been spying on her. He had followed her into the library, listening for who knows how long, hearing things that Raven swore she would never reveal to her fellow Titans. They would never understand…how could they understand? Malvern, her own emotions…they would just be shrugged aside as they failed to see how much of it was true, how alone she really was. Would he tell them what had happened?

And why did a part of her feel relieved?

She was angry at his betrayal…but at the same time, there was a tiny part of her that was happy that he had come…that he had stopped Malvern. If he hadn't of come…Shaking her head, she got rid of those thoughts. If he hadn't of come, she might have been able to finally have peace. She might have been able to finally have the satisfaction that she ruined her father's chances of appearing in this world.

Malvern. Fear hit her as she finally thought of him, laying there unconscious on the floor. Would he blame her? Would he stop talking to her? Forcing herself to remain calm, she chided her thoughts. If he stopped talking to her, it would just prove how alone she really was. And if he blamed her…she did deserve the blame.

She watched as the stars slowly broke free in the darkening world, as the sun finally made its way passed the horizon, to a place still warm and happy. The darkness welcomed her readily, the stars mocking her form with pale light. The sun was now beyond her.

She really was nothing more then a shadow.

---

Beast Boy was not about to help the guy who had pulled a knife on Raven. Looking over the body, he felt himself filled with anger once again, anger at what he had done, and also over how Raven had reacted. Kicking the boy as hard as he could in his human form, he finally stomped out the private room, fuming. And then, as quickly as his outburst came, his shoulders slumped forward and his expression twisted to that of worry.

_Raven…_

Maybe she had gone back to Titan Tower. Maybe she just needed some time to sort things out. He was sure that she'd see that what he did was the right thing, and then she would no longer be mad at him. If she didn't hate him, that is.

Still as mixed up as before, he hurried back to the tower, not sure what he would do once he got there. Should he tell everyone what had happened? Or should he go find Raven first and try to talk things out? Or should he--- So many options ran through his mind that he had to force himself not to start banging his head on the tower's wall. He stepped inside, and noted instantly that everyone was already back from pizza.

"Hey man, where were you?" Cyborg asked as he entered the living room. The three of them were watching some action packed ninja movie. "Decided my record was just too hard to beat?"

"Uh huh, yah." Beast Boy hardly noticed the question, too lost in his own thoughts. What should he do? The three of them exchanged a look.

"Friend, what might be the matter?" Starfire flew over to him first, landing beside him. "You look troubled?"

"Did something happen?" Robin questioned seriously, his eyes narrowing as he made a mental list of everything that could have been bothering their normally cheerful friend. Beast Boy, aware the three of them were worried, gave a big smile and mustered a tight laugh.

"Oh you know, girl troubles."

"What? You don't have any girls to have trouble with." Cyborg laughed.

"Pfft, whatever, you know I'm a stud." His words were normal enough, but he couldn't muster the cocky attitude he typically had when boasting about himself. _Should I tell them that Raven's been being hurt by some guy at the library? Or should I not? _He just wasn't sure which would help more. _Would Raven hate me forever if I did?_ That was the big question.

He shook his head. This wasn't the time to be selfish. Raven needed help. _But, but…_a part of him whimpered as soon as he let that thought cross his mind. _Maybe if I could find her, then I could talk to her…_

"Um….do you want to talk about something?" Robin asked after a moment.

"YES!" Before he could stop himself, he had yelled out the magic word. But the moment he said that, he regretted it. _No, no, say nothing. Just find her._ Part of him was shouting. _You can't keep a secret anyway, so might as well spill the beans._ His reasonable half persuaded.

"…and that would be?"

"Well…" He searched for words, about to say exactly what had happened, when finally he gave into his protesting heart. So he smudged the details a bit. "Raven's pretty upset with me…"

---

Finally, her magic was reaching its limit. Drained, tired, and very much alone, she gave up her desperate attempt to get away and landed in the midst of a vast field of grass. She didn't know how far she had gone, or, even where exactly she was. But it didn't matter.

A part of her never wanted to return.

It was ridiculous for her not to. She'd be overreacting to the situation, and she wasn't one to overreact…but…if she returned, and everyone knew how truly dark and terrible she really was…she'd loose whatever semblance of friends she ever had.

Everything had become so complicated. It had always been complicated, only now it was more so. And she could do nothing to change it. Looking around herself, she felt for the first time a sort of peace she wasn't use to. No one around to bother her. No one around to make her feel alone. Ironic, that in being completely alone, she felt less alone then she had been in a long time.

Maybe her emotional state was still off balance.

_I could stay here forever...maybe it's for the best._ Who really needed her? Malvern did…as soon as the thought crossed her mind, her eyes narrowed as she knew that she had to go back. But not yet.

Doing what she did best, she sat cross-legged on the ground, and began to meditate.

---

Cyborg groaned. "What did you do this time?" Robin was also sighing, seeming to find the excuse reason enough for Beast Boy to be upset. The boy ticking off Raven wasn't that much of a surprise.

"Just being my nosy self—you know how she is about privacy." The changeling let of a nervous laugh. "But seriously, could you help me find her?"

"Is she not in her room?" Starfire asked.

"To be honest, I haven't really checked." He admitted.

Cyborg was busy looking at his scanners on his arm, trying to detect her in the nearby vicinity. "Wow, I don't think she's in Jump City." He finally commented. Robin sighed and walked to the main computer, where he busily started to search for her coordinates. Beast Boy followed him quickly, watching as the leader's expression slowly become more serious at as he kept widening the search. As leader of the Teen Titans, he didn't like not knowing where one of the members were.

_What if she…_Beast Boy couldn't finish the thought. Suddenly, probably the happiest thing he had heard all day, Robin pointed up to a flashing light and announced "She's about 30 miles north of here." Cyborg looked at that distance with mock appreciation.

"Now, what was it you did again?"

"Eeehhh, never mind that---I'll go get her." Robin shook his head at him.

"I don't know what happened, but if she's mad enough to go all the way out there, maybe its best to let her simmer a bit." He pointed out. "Or let one of us go get her."

"But, have to go so I can apologize and get back on her good side, and—" Why did his arguments sound so much more valid in his head then actually spoken? Despite the lack of eloquence in his reasoning, Robin thought for a moment, then shrugged.

"Go for it."

"You can count on me." He gave a salute to the team and rushed towards the door. He had to get her back. He had to find out why she let that guy hurt her like that…and what she meant when she agreed that she was 'black to the core.'

"We'll be monitoring your location over the computers, so if she starts running _away_ from you, one of us can try our luck." The other titan finished.

"Come on, have a little faith in me? Who can resist this adorable face of mine?" Beast Boy smiled, pointing to his cheeks.

"Um, I'd say the girl that flew 30 miles in the opposite direction." Cyborg commented, deflating Beast Boys momentary pride. Not that it took too much to deflate it, since everything Cyborg said was true. Worry flickered in his eyes, but he forced himself not to think too much on it yet.

"Friend, be safe, and bring Raven home quickly!" Starfire called to him, looking somewhat disgruntled they all weren't going.

"Will do!" He darted out the door and became a large bird, soaring through the air. _30 miles…that's really far.._

---

Raven wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there, meditating; in some field in the middle of know where. Her emotions were erratic, and it had been taking all her focus to even keep them in check. With both Beast Boy's interruption and Malvern's proposal, she had a lot on her mind. And she wasn't sure what to do.

She was attacking each problem as she came to them, but she didn't know the answer to many of them. Did she really want to die? Would she have let Malvern continue? A part of her said she would have, because if he felt she deserved to die, then maybe she did deserve it. Was she still upset at Beast Boy? A little, but, she knew he was trying to help. He might be more of a hindrance then a help, but the thought was there.

Maybe she did want to die. She just wasn't sure anymore.

Alone in her thoughts. Alone with her friends. Alone from even her emotions. She didn't have to take this. She didn't have to…Shaking her head, she tried to logically reason with her thoughts. She wasn't going to let herself be so succumbed to her emotions.

The sound of wings reverberated in her ear, and she didn't have to open her eyes to know that Beast Boy was there. How he had found her, she could care less.

"What are you doing here?" She said icily.

"I, well, you know…" He seemed to be at a loss for words. He was breathing heavily, obviously tired from the long flight. "Just wanted to get some fresh air—who would have thought we would choose the same spot!" The boy laughed, but his laughter was high and nervous. Raven recalled the slap earlier. He probably was afraid she might snap and do the same thing again.

"I let my emotions control me." She said after a moment. "I'm sorry I reacted the way I did."

"It's okay." He said after a moment. "But…why did you let that guy do that to you?"

"Do what?" She said darkly. He reached down and grabbed her hand, where her cut had already stopped bleeding.

"This!" He said loudly.

"It's nothing." Controlling her emotions, she forced the words to be as cold as ever. She let him do it because she had to. She let him do it because she wanted him to do. A part of her wanted it. She needed him. Beast Boy wouldn't understand that.

"Raven, I don't know what kind of crap the guys feeding you, but you aren't a bad person." His words were surprisingly serious for his normal carefree nature.

"And what do you know about me?" He didn't know anything.

"You really don't want to die, do you?" He tried again, looking at her in an almost pleading fashion. She didn't answer, merely looked up into the sky.

"Don't pretend you know me." When she finally spoke, her words were cold and uncaring. _You don't want to die…_a part of her mind agreed with the green changeling. She didn't know what she wanted anymore. She deserved to die…so maybe wanting to live was merely a selfish request.

"I'm not trying to." He stepped in front of her, looking down at her square in the eyes. "Come on Rae, I'm your friend. If you want to talk I'm here for you. In fact, every time you feel down or mad, you can slap me. How about that? I can be like your walking punching bag!" He smiled a toothy grin at her. "Just…don't let him hurt you." The last words were quiet and rushed.

She shook her head at him. _I can't promise something like that… _He was being so nice to her…again something she really didn't deserve. And it was stirring up something inside of her, just confusing her already tired mind more. Sighing, she stood up. "Let's go back to the Tower."

"Eh heh…mind if we rest a bit first?"

---

She missed going to the library the next day. It wasn't intentional…the people of the city needed saving and they were the ones for the job. Raven still didn't know if Malvern was mad at her or not, or what he thought about suddenly falling unconscious. Beast Boy hovered near her whenever she left her room, appearing to be trying to distract her mind with jokes and random comments. Not that that helped.

The day after though, she was determined to go. She had to see Malvern.

Walking towards the door, she paused only for a moment to see Cyborg and Beast Boy once again at it on their video games. She didn't know how they could have the energy to simply stare in front of that screen all day, bashing each other with friendly insults. "I'm right on your tail—feeling nervous yet?" Cyborg announced, pounding buttons on his controller.

"Eat my dust—you're no match for me!" Came the retort. A few seconds later, things seemed to have turned for the poor changeling.

"Booyah!" Cyborg called, looking at the screen with even more determination. Raven let out a sigh and continued on her way. Only to have Beast Boy very suddenly in front of her.

The single part of her body that showed shock was the brief widening of her eyes. How he got there so fast, she didn't know.

Cyborg, however, was less then impressed. "Hey man! Just because you are loosing doesn't mean you can just get up and leave!"

"Where yah going Rae?" He said, overly innocently, ignoring Cyborg's words in the background. She just stared at him.

"Where I always go."

"Library! Oh good, because I need to go too."

"You, go to the library?" Cyborg interjected. Again, Beast Boy pretended not to hear him.

"I'm going alone."

"Nuh uh." He shook one finger at her. Despite her efforts, she was starting to become annoyed.

"I don't want you to come with me." Her eyes were starting to darken. She had to go see Malvern.

"And miss the pleasure of my company?" He said brightly, irritating her even further. She knew what he was doing. And he knew what he was doing. Black tentacles of magic flashed around her, and he took a step back, momentarily looking unsure at his stand. "I'm not letting you go alone." He said simply. This was becoming difficult. She could very easily knock him aside, but he knew where she was going.

"Whatever." She finally muttered, turning around. "I'm going back to my room." She felt like she was some rebellious teenager, caught by her parents for sneaking out. Still…she was no ordinary teenager. And he should know better then to mess with her. She did return to her room, but she simply summoned black magic to her hands and opened a portal through her wall, stepping through it to the outside beyond. And then she was off.

---

"What was that all about?" Cyborg looked incredulously as Beast Boy, quite proud by his efforts, sat down beside him.

"She sooo backed down. Did you see that?" He gloated.

"Uh huh, sure." Cyborg had an inkling what their gothic friend was going to do, but didn't feel like sharing it. Not until this race was over at least. "Games paused, and ready for us to go." He announced.

"Dude, you so got a lead when I left." Whined the green titan.

"Man, I already had a lead before you left." Cyborg challenged back.

"Oh yah?" Beast Boy was quite ready for this challenge. And soon the loud sounds of engines and cheering crowds captured the room once again. "I see you!"

"Good, because you are about to see me win."

"Oh ho, I think not. You're out of nitro." Beast Boy snickered.

"Pft, with my lead, you can use all the nitro you want. You'll never catch me." The sound of Beast Boy hitting the extra power echoed through the speakers. The finish line was before them...it was going to be close, and Cyborg knew it. Almost…almost….

"Nooooo!" Cyborg cried, as the very last second Beast Boy rushed past him.

"Oh yah, uh huh, whose the champ." Beast Boy jumped to his feet.

"Geez, my game must be off today." Cyborg groaned.

"Your game is never on." Beast Boy laughed again, practically preening his feathers.

"Well, before you get too cocky, I think you might want to check on Raven." Cyborg smirked at him. Beast Boy, stopping in mid motion, looked over at him, suddenly very serious. "Do you really think that she's sitting in her room right now? The girl with the magic powers?" Slow realization spread across Beast Boys face, and he sprinted out the room, down the hallway. Cyborg heard the sound of a door opening, slamming, and then Beast boy running out the living room and out the front door.

He had no idea what was going on, but he was starting to feel bad for not letting the kid know sooner. Still…it did stop the gloating.

Something was going on with Beast Boy and Raven…he knew the changeling had a crush on her, but why the two were acting this way didn't make sense. Maybe Raven had some secret boyfriend and Beast Boy had found out. That would make sense in Raven getting all upset, and Beast Boy being paranoid for her leaving.

Well as much sense as the two of them ever did.

---

Raven walked into the library, heading straight for her usual destination without a moments thought. It was just a little before six. She would be right on time…that is if he showed up.

She wasn't naive to think that he would. He probably woke up unconscious in the library, not knowing what had happened. And since she didn't even come yesterday…If he was there, she already could guess what mood he would be in. He would be angry…not obvious at first. But it would be there.

And she was willingly walking in there anyway. She paused. Before, that didn't seem strange to her at all. Why should it, when Malvern showed genuine interest in her…when he knew of her dark nature…when he had a dark side of his own? Yet….for some unknown cause…a part of her was finding her usual reasoning a little too forced. Shaking her head, she moved forward. Then she stopped. Beast Boy didn't think she was a bad person…he wanted to help her.

It was touching, of course, but he didn't really know her. How could he still be her friend if she knew he knew how tainted her soul really was? He knew about Trigon…he had stolen away into her mind once before and met with her rage face to face…but there was more to it then that. The demon was inside her, but she herself was a demon as well.

This time, with determination, she made her way to the door, and forced it open. She was a little surprise to find resistance against the door. Did these doors have a lock? Frowning, she pushed harder, it scooting open a fraction.

Not sure what else to do, she used her powers to once again go through the wall to the inside of the dark room. There was a chair ledged underneath the door knob, explaining why it was so hard to enter. And that meant someone else was here.

She didn't feel the presence of anyone, a fact which bothered her. Someone had to have put the chair there….and this room was normally only used by her and Malvern The entire room was encased in darkness, and she fumbled around on the wall, finally finding the light.

Switching it on, she felt her entire body begin to shake. _No…no…._the light shattered in a rain of sparks and glass as her emotions snapped, she backing up slowly until she reached the corner of the room. _No_…

---

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans

Wooo, thank you for all the reviews!

Enjoy :)

---

Beast Boy flew to the library as quickly as he was able. Part of him was cursing Cyborg for not tipping him off sooner, and the other himself for not thinking she would simply find another way out. The library had never seemed further away.

He didn't want her to be there. That guy wasn't someone for her to be around, and she knew it. Or at least he hoped she did. He wasn't so sure actually.

Finally arriving, he landed onto the ground, and ran inside, earning several reproachful looks from the librarians he rushed passed.

"Don't run in the library!" One called to him, and he forced himself to slow down. It wouldn't be good to get kicked out before he reached his destination.

_I'm just being paranoid._ He chided himself, but for some reason the lump in his chest wouldn't die down. Why did he feel like something bad was about to happen? Sure it was Raven, and he didn't want anything to happen to her, but she could take care of herself…well he hoped she _would_.

Finally, he reached the door, and felt his face fall as he noticed it was cracked open and completely dark within. Maybe Raven had changed locations in an effort to avoid him. Deciding to at least check, he pushed at the door, surprised when it seemed to be stuck. Morphing into a small mouse, he ran through the narrow crack, then changed back to his normal self. It took him a moment to get use to the dark—his night vision was excellent, but he too had to make the adjustment. And when he finally was able to see…he wished that he wasn't able to.

The guy…the guy he had been hating for the past two days….Swallowing hard, Beast Boy took a step back. He watched the body move back and forth, swinging freely from the ceiling, hanging only by a rope…around the neck…

He was seconds from running out of the room, when he heard an odd rustling sound to his left. _Oh no…_the sickening in his stomach grew as he saw a hooded figure huddled in the corner.

Beast Boy ran to her side, kneeling down to see if she was alright. Her eyes were wide open, but she wasn't crying. She was just looking blankly into her knees, as though unsure what to do. "Raven?" She didn't even look up at him. Placing one hand on her shoulder, he suddenly realized she was trembling. _I have to get her out of here._ He gripped her other shoulder, and said very softly, "Lets go."

"Beast Boy?" She said the words slowly, as though she wasn't even sure it was him.

"Lets get out of here." He suggested again.

Slowly realization hit her, and her entire body grew rigid. "Don't touch me." She hissed. Standing up, she brushed passed him. "I'm fine."

She wasn't fine. And they both knew it.

The door slammed open as she used her power to knock the chair carelessly away. It smashed into the nearby wall, splintering into pieces. Beast Boy followed behind her, far enough to stay away from her rampage, but close enough that she knew he was there. Stepping to the first girl with a name tag, she spoke, her words completely emotionless. "Someone hung themselves in the private room in the corner." Without waiting for a reaction, she continued on.

Out the door, back to Titan Tower, back to her room, where she closed her door with such fury that everyone knew not to mess with her right now.

The only thing the others didn't know was why.

---

Robin watched as Beast Boy hovered around Raven's room, looking highly unsure what to do. Something was going on, and whatever it was, it didn't appear to be a good thing. And it was time to find out what.

Walking up to Beast Boy, he placed one hand on his shoulder, stopping him in mid pace. "Be in the living room in ten minutes." He said evenly, but with enough force for him to know this wasn't just a suggestion. Robin played with the idea of asking Raven to come as well, but in seeing her come in, he doubted messing with her would be the wises decision. The changeling simply nodded at his request, though looked out of sorts at the idea of leaving the door.

Robin made his way back down to the living room, where Cyborg and Starfire had already gathered.

"Should I not go and see if Raven is all right?" The red haired girl asked hopefully.

"Not until we find out what's going on." He knew people had secrets, but he also knew secrets more often ended up hurting then helping. And it was time to crack this particular one.

He tried to examine everything in every possible angle. Raven, while not too unusual, had been distant the past month. Then suddenly, she and Beast Boy gets into a fight, over something that made her upset enough to fly away. The next day, she didn't seem any different, although Beast Boy was hanging around her a lot more then usual…but that could be written off as his attempts in getting back on her good side.

"Have either of you noticed anything out of the ordinary with Beast Boy and Raven?" He asked the other Titans quietly.

Starfire looked towards the ceiling in thought, one finger brushing her lips. "Hmmm, they have been acting strangely, but I have not a clue why." She said after a moment. Cyborg was a little more helpful.

"Well just a little while ago, Raven was heading to the library and Beast Boy pretty much told her he'd be going with her, or she wasn't going." He mused. "Thought it was a bit weird, especially since when he realized she had snuck out, he went all ballistic and stormed after her."

"Could she not be angered Beast Boy followed her?" Starfire asked. "Perhaps I should go and check—"

"Eh, I think she wants to be alone right now, Star." Robin told her, her face falling once again. The Tamaranian girl was certainly not the kind sit idly by while one of her friends was upset.

"What's up guys?" Beast Boy strolled into the living room, but he wasn't looking at them directly, completely caught up in his own thoughts. Something _very_ unlike Beast Boy.

"And the plot thickens." Cyborg muttered, apparently catching the same vibe. Beast Boy sat in a chair across from them, looking highly nervous by this interrogation setting.

---

This was probably the last place he wanted to be right now.

Alright, he could think of a few worse places. He imagined trapped on a zombie island or abducted by evil, brain sucking aliens might be worse, but he doubted by much. Robin wanted some answers and Beast Boy just wasn't sure what to tell them.

_Oh hey, Raven's been seeing some psycho and he decided to go all suicidal today. Rough, huh?_ That just didn't seem to cut it.

"I think you know why you are here." Robin began. "Something is going on with you and Raven."

"What makes you say that?" He laughed nervously. Alright, there were a few things that _could_ make them a little suspicious. Again, he was faced with the question…_do I tell them?_ He should…he knew he should. But then they'd wonder why he hadn't said anything sooner. If he had told them before—what if they had done something different? What if they had managed to find a way to save the guy she was with from ever...

"Look, we are a team—we can't help you if you don't tell us what's going on." Robin's tone was very serious.

"And we are most worried." Starfire jumped in, her hands gripping her knees.

This was all about Raven…it somehow felt wrong to expose her personal life to them, without her knowing. "Um, well, you see…" He started, hoping the words would simply come to him. No such luck. He just continued to stare at them, hopelessly tongue tied.

"Come on, BB..." Even Cyborg was pressuring him. He felt his face begin to sweat. _What to do, what to do…_Raven was hurt. He knew she was hurting inside. Although that guy was a complete jerk, he had meant something to her, and he took his life so easily. It was a lot for Beast Boy to admit to himself that Raven probably felt something for that guy, although that didn't stop him from selfishly hoping it wasn't anything more then friendship. Either way, to have something like this happen….

He didn't know how to help her.

He wanted to, more then anything in the world. He was a complete goof and might screw everything up, but he wanted to seriously try and help her.

Would it help more to let everyone know, or to keep her secret hidden? Would she get more help from them, or feel more betrayed?

"Gyaaahhh!" He gripped his head from all his thoughts, earning several jumps from the other Titans. "Duuude, I'm not suppose to have to think this hard!"

"Then just tell us and we can think together." Robin persuaded.

He had to tell them. Raven needed all of them now. Breaking down, he slumped into his chair. "She is so going to kill me…but…it happened a few days ago…"

---

This hadn't happened. This couldn't have happened. Something evil must have interfered, because that was the only thing to explain. It was her fault…she is the one that came into his life. Then again…she should have known this was coming. Last time he seemed perfectly willing to die…for them both to die. But to actually see him…there…

The bookshelf against the wall suddenly slammed itself into the opposite side, sending a rain of paper flying through the air.

She wasn't sure what to feel. She wasn't suppose to be feeling anything. Her emotions…she had to keep them under control. Was she angry? The desire to destroy everything in her room was very evident. To destroy everything she saw…to destroy herself…

It was all her fault. Everything. He wanted her to die with him…and he chose to leave her. He had left her, didn't he? Was she all alone again? Shaking her head, her expression turned bitter. She was already alone. This didn't change anything.

It wasn't that she hadn't seen death before. It's just…to have it so personally there…and…

Her bed suddenly lifted into the air, smashing into the ceiling, then tumbling back on the ground. Gripping her head, she sunk to the floor. She had to control herself.

She slowly felt along the floor, until her fingers touched the cold metal of the hand mirror that had fallen. Mediate. She needed to meditate. Repress all these…_feelings_. There had to be an answer in what she should do next. And she would find it.

---

Retelling what he knew of the story had not been easy. He wasn't able to look at any of them in the eyes, finding it much more comforting to stare down at his shoes. Why did it feel so much like he was betraying Raven?

She didn't like other people knowing her personal life…she wouldn't want them to know that she was probably suffering from something now. But…if she wasn't going to tell them, then who would? Even if she hated him, he hoped that it balanced by her knowing they were all behind her. Hopefully.

"Man, that's awful." Cyborg finally spoke when he had finished.

"How long has she been seeing that guy?"

"I really don't know." The changeling was kind of glad there was something he didn't know.

"We must see Raven at once and lend her our shoulders!" Starfire announced, looking furious that Raven was all alone after something like this had happened.

Robin just rested his chin in his hand, not looking so certain. "It might be better to leave her alone for awhile…having all us around her might make her even more upset."

"But she is our friend," Starfire protested.

"I think if anyone should go, it should be Beast Boy," Cyborg commented. "Come on, how is she going to feel about all of us clamoring to see how she's doing, when she doesn't know we know anything?"

"True…" Robin drummed his fingers on the side of the couch as he attempted to think. "In fact…it might be better for the three of us not to bring it up with her at all—just kind of be there more for her."

"Then we must invite her to partake in the eating and drinking of tonight." Starfire said, getting up. The leader of the Titans sighed and jumped up, grabbing a hold of her arm.

"We'll do that tomorrow." He said in exasperation. Beast Boy would have snickered at the two of them, if he wasn't so caught up in his own thoughts of what he should be doing. He wanted to go see if she was okay, probably just as much as Starfire did. But maybe she didn't want to see anyone…or maybe she just thought she didn't want to see anyone. It was hard to tell which was more accurate.

Apparently the three others had been talking while he, once again, got caught up in his thoughts. "So, is that cool with you, BB?" Cyborg asked him.

"Um, what?"

"For you to go check on Rae." Robin stated.

"What! I mean sure I want to, but she didn't really seem to want to be near me before and I don't want her to be angry, so—"

"Since when has that ever stopped you?" Cyborg scoffed, but his expression turned more serious. "She probably needs some alone time after all this, but her being all alone isn't a good thing either."

"Alright, I'll go check on her." He did want to check on her…it was Raven. Of course he wanted to check on her. And with that said, he left the room, with his new found determination.

Which promptly vanished the moment he reached Raven's door.

What was he thinking? Did he seriously think Raven would appreciate him knocking on the door and asking if she was okay? The pit of his stomach was saying no. But he wanted to see how she was doing. He really did want to help her and be there for her. Raven wasn't the one to rely on anybody, but maybe, just maybe, if he kept being his persistent self, she might at least _think_ of relying on him, even as a passing thought.

Taking in a deep breathe, he raised one hand and lightly brushed the door with his knuckles. At first he thought that she might have not heard, and was about to knock louder, when it swung open a few inches.

"Rae?" He poked his head through the door, peering into the room. The room was in utter disarray. The book shelf was thrown on the ground, the bed sideways against the wall, and every little odd knickknack she had was strew across the floor, their forms causing twisted shadows to dance across the walls. Stepping over a demented parrot and through the wilderness of papers…he was definitely feeling this was a bad time. "Raven…?"

"What do you want?" Her quiet voice startled him, especially concerning he still wasn't able to figure out exactly where she was.

"I just, you know, wanted to see how you were doing." He said, stuttering a bit over the words. Trying to shake the nervousness off, he reminded himself that there was nothing to be afraid of. It was just Raven. Again, that was echoed with the reminder that there was something to be afraid of…because it _was_ Raven.

Finally, walking out of the shadows, one hand clutching a mirror, Raven made her location known. Despite the turmoil of her room, and possibly the emotions she had within, she looked perfectly calm and collected. Well, other then the fact that her knuckles were turning white from gripping the mirror, and the slight tremble Beast Boy saw as she stepped forward.

"I just thought you might want someone to talk to." He said, running the words together a bit. "You know, I'm here for you , so, you can just talk to me, and—"

"You mean over Malvern's death?" Her voice was surprisingly light, something Beast Boy wasn't prepared for. He wasn't sure what he expected, but it wasn't for her to say words like that so calmly, especially considering her reaction before. "I really am fine."

He surveyed the room with wide eyes. "Um, if this is your way of being fine, I hate to see you not being fine." She simply shrugged her shoulders, not looking phased by his comment. That freaked him out a bit more. Even normal Raven would have something to say to such an easy target, like 'Not as bad as your room.'

"I should have expected this to happen, considering the events of our last encounter." Her words were even and sound. He searched her face, trying to read beyond her words.

"Um…so you are really okay then?" This was going eerily well. It couldn't be so easy. This had to be some sort of dream. If that was so, then any minute the walls would turn into tofu, or Raven would start telling him how she'd been secretly in love with him all this time. Not that he ever dreamed that or anything…

"I'm fine." Stepping back into the shadows of her room, this seemed to be a sign that she didn't really want to talk anymore.

"Well...okay then…I'll see you tomorrow Rae." And very awkwardly he ran out the room. This had to be the oddest conversation he had had with her in a long time. There was something wrong…But maybe she really was fine? Maybe she had gone back to her senses?

Somehow, he seriously doubted it.

---

Raven watched as the green changeling hurried out of her room, looking confused by her words. The mirror she had been clutching was digging deeply into her hand, but her grip refused to lesson. She knew what she had to do, and she was prepared to do it. Selfishly, she would wait until tomorrow night, wanting to see the people she had called friends one last time.

_I can make it one more day_. Her eyes were wide, and she slipped to her knees as her limbs began to tremble once again. Malvern was dead and it was her fault. She deserved to die more then anyone. If she did, she would finally be rid of the darkness that haunted her. It all made sense.

"One more day."

---

Raven certainly isn't handling any of this well ;;;

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Still am not the owner of Teen Titans…I hoped you aren't too shocked…

---

The sky shown brilliantly through the window of the Titan Tower, looking especially pleased by its own brilliance. It was neither too hot nor too cold outside, and the entire day practically screamed happiness.

"Oh, joyous morning!" Starfire flew into the kitchen, her arms outstretched to take it all in. Cyborg and Beast Boy were already up, both preparing breakfast…well during the moments they weren't arguing at one another.

"Do you know how many things had to die for you to eat?" Beast Boy cried, whimpering as Cyborg added another slice of bacon into the mix.

"Don't be jealous of my man food." Cyborg snickered.

"Come on, tofu is sooo much better." He swung his plate around, the entire contents jiggling unnaturally. Robin strolled in, shaking his head at both of them. Starfire rushed to his side, looking him pleadingly in the eye.

"Now may I go ask Raven to join us?" It sounded like she had been waiting all morning to ask that question. Which, considering it was her, that probably was the case.

"Sure—just don't—" Before he could finish his sentence, Starfire had shrieked in delight and whisked down the hallway. "—make her more upset by dragging her out here."

"Too late for that." Cyborg laughed. Beast Boy on the other hand had a thoughtful expression on his face, and abandoned his breakfast to go stand nearer where Starfire, and hopefully Raven would be returning.

---

Raven was sitting cross-legged on the ground, staring blankly at the nearby wall. For once she wasn't meditating…simply looking vacantly ahead as her mind refused to think of anything at all. Anything she thought would only hurt her. Anything she felt would only hurt her. She would abandon them both.

A loud knocking on her door broke her out of her trance, and very slowly, she got to her feet. Beast Boy? "Friend Raven! I wish for you to partake in the morning meal with us!" No…Starfire. For some reason the pit of her stomach had tightened during the brief moment she thought the green boy had come to check on her again, but now it was gone.

Opening the door slowly, she saw Starfire with a huge smile plastered on her face. "Please?" She asked again.

"Sure." The red haired girl managed to smile even wider and looked utterly delighted. "So long as you don't cook." Raven allowed herself to be dragged by the excited girl back into the living room. Today…she would allow it. To engrave each of her friends into her memories. Her entire body felt numb, completely disconnected from her psyche. Inside, her mind hated herself. Inside, her mind wanted nothing more then to go back to the dark, back to where she belonged.

It was a struggle not to rip her arm out of the Tamaranian's grasp.

The room grew quiet as they entered, each of the Titans looking at the two as though expecting some sort of reaction. She noticed Beast Boy fidgeting to the side, looking like he was just about to say something before rushing back into the kitchen.

"Let us all feast together with Raven!" Starfire cried to the others in the group.

"Great idea—want some eggs and bacon?" Cyborg asked her.

"Ooor, you could have the much better, the muuuch tastier—_Tofu_ eggs and bacon!" Beast Boy's voice cut in. Normally she would not eat either. Normally, she would be content with just a cup of tea, and maybe some toast if she was really hungry. Her stomach twisted at the sight of food.

"I'll have both." Came her quiet response. Against what she wanted. Everything…The changeling just looked at her in shock that she agreed to eat tofu, while Cyborg had a similar reaction.

"Hungry?"

"Not really." Raven noticed everyone eyes were on her again, and in her mind, she suddenly knew what was going on. Starfire asking her to breakfast. The kind, worried expressions on everyone's faces. They knew what had happened. They knew and felt sorry for her. They pitied her. Why else would they act as though she belonged? They hadn't cared for awhile.

Beast Boy must have said something. _Why am I still here?_ Her mind intervened again. She didn't belong here. She didn't deserve this. She was the evil person that killed Malvern. She had to die…for the good of everyone.

For the good of herself.

---

Breakfast was an odd experience for Beast Boy. He was elated that she was eating his tofu, _his_ tofu. But…everything was out of place. She was acting oddly detached, agreeing with almost anything people said…just kind of going with the flow. _Maybe this is how she deals with emotions like these?_ He didn't know. But…it didn't feel right.

When she looked around, her gaze was blank. Her skin was pale, and the dark circles under her eyes suggested she didn't sleep much the previous night. Did no one else see the fact that her hand was trembling as she held up her fork?

Then again, he was staring at her rather intently.

Once breakfast was over, Starfire was right back at Raven's side, apparently taking Robin's suggestion of being there for her quite literally. Beast Boy couldn't help but feel a little jealous. _I could go over there and hang with her too._ He thought to himself.

"Raven! Why do we not go together to the mall of shop—" Just as she was about to finish, a beeping sound echoed through the tower. Robin immediately rushed to the computer.

"Robbery in progress at the bank—Titans move out!" He shouted, rushing through the door. Everyone followed quickly behind, the last to leave being Raven and Beast Boy.

"If…you'd rather rest or anything…" He started to say, but was stopped by her glowering eyes.

"Let's go." She pushed him aside, but in a moment of sudden curiosity and worry, he grabbed her wrist to stop her. Raven turned and looked at him.

Dang it. Now he had to say something. "Raven—you can't just keep pretending nothings wrong." He finally managed to get out.

"Let go of my wrist." She said very quietly.

"Stop acting like some emotionless machine and maybe I will." He said right back. Why couldn't she see how much he was worrying about her? The shaking of her wrist in his hand started to scare him.

"I _have_ to be emotionless." Black magic flared up, tearing his hand away. Turning around, she walked out the door, Beast Boy hurrying behind her.

The other Titans were already battling the thief when they got there. It was a freaky ten foot tall, tentacle man thing, who was currently batting off Robin's frontal assault while being shot by Cyborg's sonic cannon and Starfire's star bolts.

"What too yall so long? The party's already started!" Cyborg grunted good naturally, diving out of the way as one tentacle smashed into the ground he had previously been standing.

Leaping into the fray, Beast Boy turned Tyrannosaurus and head butted the creature, sending him crashing into the wall. The guy simply bounced off and roared loudly in response, sending a couple of tentacles shooting like spears towards the changeling. Morphing into a small bird, he dodged the attack.

Raven meanwhile picked up several metal bars with her powers and twisted it around the creature, attempting to restrain it. For a moment, it looked like it would be enough to hold him, that is until the metal was flung back with an eerie snapping sound, shattering into pieces. Robin dodged a metal shard and whipped out his boomerang, sending it flying in hopes of knocking the creature down.

"Cyborg, Star!" He cried, the other two already on it. Cyborg rushed at the creature, slamming into it in full force, sending the already off balance monster crashing into the ground. Starfire followed suit with a rain of missiles, joined soon by Raven. The creature started to get back up, when Beast Boy, changing from a small rodent to a giant squid, wrapped his own tentacle arms around the creature.

Trapped, it looked like the titans had won…until it opened its mouth and spat acidic fluids over at the unsuspecting members. Beast Boy barely managed to dodge the attack, one of his shoes hissing as it was brushed with the gooey liquid.

"Why do all monsters have to spit acid? That's sooo gross." He stuck out his tongue.

Starfire let out a war cry and started forward, flying with all her might at the beast. She dodged his tentacles and spit, and started punching the creature violently. Cyborg shot upwards at the ceiling, sending a rain of debris crashing into the weakening creature. It shuttered, then lay silent.

"Nice work you two." Robin complimented, earning a giggle from the pleased girl. Suddenly, the rocks trembled, one of its tentacles attempting its final attack. It was heading straight for...Raven.

"Raven!" He shouted, turning cheetah as he rushed towards her. She was watching it come at her…she saw it…she had to see it. But she wasn't moving. Beast Boy felt himself shrink down as he realized there was no way he could make it in time…his heart was pounding as it was about to hit her when…

She went flying out of the way, tackled by Cyborg. Beast Boy felt a huge weight lift off him at the save. "Eh, not see the tentacle heading towards your face?" Cyborg asked her, lifting her to her feet before dusting himself off. She shook her head.

"I was…distracted." She wasn't distracted. She definitely saw it coming. Either way….the monster was beat, the town save and Raven was alright. Or so he liked to think she was alright.

---

The creature could have killed her. As she stood there, watching the tentacle heading at her, she realized how easy it would be. It was an accident, they'd later say. A horrible accident.

Not everything works out that way.

Shaking her head, she saw the worried expressions of her fellow members. Raven didn't say anything, just started to walk out the building, tired of the looks of sympathy, the false understanding.

Returning to the Tower, Starfire immediately claimed her again, insisting they watch a movie together, and later play cards with the other members. Everything felt so ordinary…so overly nice and simply. Everyone was acting like she was glass that could break at any moment. Perhaps…that's what happened to her. She was broken glass needing to be cleaned up.

---

Beast Boy pulled Robin and Cyborg to the side as Starfire continued to keep the darker girl occupied. "Heey, Raven's acting really weird." Came his frantic whisper.

"Her friend committed suicide. No matter how horrible of a guy he have been, she's hurting." Robin immediately responded. "She's trying to cope right now."

"Think of how you acted after Terra?" The half man half machine said firmly. Beast Boy winced at the reference. "You moped around for weeks—she's just doing the opposite."

"Um, ouch—I might be over her, but you don't have to bring it up." He groaned. Still, there was something wrong. They both thought she was just trying to cope…but…

---

If felt the day would never end, but once it did, it felt that it had ended all too soon. Raven, saying goodnight to her fellow teammates, headed into her room. Inside, she carefully closed the door, locking it shut behind her. The room…while still a mess….was nothing compared to the writhing emotions inside her.

The dark shadows on her walls seemed to spin around her, laughing at her foolish attempt at an ordinary day. Laughing at her weakness in putting off the inevitable. She needed to die, for the good of everyone. No one needed her. No one wanted her. Malvern left her, killed because she had come into his life. The least she could do was to repay the favor.

Pulling back the curtains in her room, her form was flooded in moonlight. Her eyes had a glimmer of uncertainty in them, but the uncertainty was overridden by the sheer feelings inside of her. A knife levitated slowly to her hands, the glimmering off the blade reminding her of the light she could never be.

_End this all…no more feelings…no more fear…_She ignored any doubts as the blade slowly ran down her wrists, opening a flow of crimson. _Alone...nothing more then darkness. _A second pass deepened the wound, and she felt satisfaction at the pain that was starting to envelop her. She deserved it all. She needed it to remind herself…that no matter how dark she had become, she was still, somewhere human, somewhere…mortal.

What seemed like hours, she stood at her wrist, watching as the red trail dripped in horrid wetness down onto the floor. Another flick of the knife. It was like she was proving herself she could do this. She had control of her life…for once. She was deciding the outcome. She would beat the darkness in her…herself….

Feeling dizzy, she slid between the bed and the wall, still staring up at her window, her arms hanging to her side like broken wings. The light grew hazy, and she welcomed the night that took her in.

---

Beast Boy tossed and turned into his bed. Raven. She was on his mind. Was she all right? Was she feeling better about the Malvern incident? Would she talk to him now? A part of him wanted to go knock on her door. The other part of him wanted to stay right here, and not try to offer help where it wasn't wanted.

It was a battle between the two sides, and finally, to shut them both up and get some sleep, he stood, feeling it would be fine to just check on her.

Knocking on the door, he wasn't too surprised when no answer came. "Raven?" He asked. "Um…I just wanted to see how you were doing?" Still nothing. Despite himself, he was getting a little irritated. "Heey—you don't have to ignore me!" He called. Again, nothing. "Well fine then!" He stomped away, getting all the way back to his room before turning back into the hall.

And suddenly he was in front of Ravens door again.

He was both seething and worried. She wasn't responding, but that could mean she was mad at him. Maybe she realized he had told everyone…maybe she was angry at him because of it. Gripping one hand around the knob, he decided to risk getting her more upset and attempted to open the door. It was locked. Frowning, he pulled harder. Nobody ever locked their rooms.

The worrying feeling grew worse. She was alone in a locked room, and not in the best of moods. Morphing into a giant bear, he easily smashed the door opening, then strolled inside. It remained a huge mess, but there was no Raven to be found. The curtains were hung open, exposing the darkened corners with silver light, unmasking most areas that she could be hiding.

"Raven?" He said after a moment, walking into the room. "I just broke your door and am coming into your room uninvited," He taunted, but the shakiness of his voice wasn't helping him hide negative feelings he was getting from this situation. Walking from one end of the room all the way to the window, he felt his forehead furrow in concentration. _Maybe she's meditating on the roof. Or maybe she got hungry…or maybe, just maybe, she really has been getting kidnapped by space aliens._

"Gah, this is ridiculous." He threw his hands up in defeat. Here he was worrying about a girl that wasn't even there. Turning back, he suddenly slipped to the ground. For a moment he laid there, his eyes widening with nauseating realization.

The ground felt…sticky…and smelled of both copper and iron. Looking at his hands, his body beginning to shake, he realized they were stained red…

He felt sick. The entire time, his brain was not connecting with any of this. There was _blood _on the floor. He was lying in _blood_. Twisting his neck around to the other side, he could see underneath the bed, where Raven was laying, her head facing towards him. Her eyes were half open, her hair caressing her face in gentle waves.

He didn't think. Changing into his gorilla form, he threw the bed to the far corner of the room and shifted back, cradling her in his arms. He ran out the room, grateful he had smashed the door open, and ran towards the infirmary, all the while shouting to each Titan by name. His heartbeat was loud in his ears as the door to the infirmary swished open, and he was finding it difficult to breathe as he set Raven down onto the hard surface of the doctor's table.

She looked so pale…gashes ran through her wrists and he found himself wrapping a hand around each one, his grip refusing to lesson as he willed for them to stop _bleeding_. All this blood….it wasn't natural….how much had she lost? What was going on? How could she…did she really?

He was barely aware of the strangled gasps of the Titans behind him, awakened by his frantic calls. "Beast Boy…" Robin gently pried his fingers from Ravens wrists, wrapping them tightly with white gauze while Cyborg was running a diagnostic on Raven.

"Who has done this to her?" Starfire rumbled, her eyes turning green.

"She did." He mumbled softly. The Tamaranian's fury vanished replaced with simple shock.

"But…why—"

"She's lost a lot of blood…but she's stable. If you…hadn't found her when you did…" Cyborg trailed off, unable to finish his statement.

"Damn it." Robin slammed one fist into the wall. Starfire sat, huddled in the corner, looking more and more confused. She didn't understand suicide….she couldn't understand how someone could try to intentionally hurt themselves.

"She's going to be out for a few days." Cyborg said after a moment, who had been busy cleaning Raven's wounds and fixing her up. "But…one of us should be here…just in case…"

"I'm staying." Beast Boy said instantly, daring anyone to argue with him. Robin gently grabbed him by the shoulder.

"I don't thi—"

"I am staying." He repeated. The leader just nodded.

"Just...go change clothes first." Beast Boy looked down, seeing his own outfit drenched in blood…in Raven's blood.

"Oh."

"Starfire---could you get a clean outfit for Raven as well?" Robin told the girl. She nodded demurely and slowly walked out of the room.

Beast Boy headed slowly down the hall, his fists tightening by his sides. Raven tried to kill herself. Why? Why would she do something like that? How could she be so stupid? How could _he _be so stupid? He should have seen the signs…why didn't he….why…

Looking into the mirror, he felt he had just come from another world. Dark red stains covered his body…crimson painted onto his hands and face. He tried to wash it of, scrubbing his skin raw, still feeling as though it was coating his entire body. _Her blood._

Nothing was right anymore.

Raven…had gotten lost somewhere…he didn't know when it happened, but she was so far down a darkened path that he could hardly see her anymore. It was like he was running in the dark, after that one speck of light…that was slowly going out.

Slamming both fists into the wall, he glared angrily down to the ground, unwanted tears feeding his eyes.

He wasn't going to loose Raven.

---

Another chapter down….I've been wanting to work on this for a few days now, but I had a final exam this week---summer classes are officially over! Let the break begin….for the few weeks until school starts…joy….

A big thanks for those who reviewed last chapter!

Aaannd with that said:

Please Review!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans….But I do own this nifty piggy bank (it sings!)

A/N: Sorry for the wait---enjoy!

---

When he returned to the infirmary, Raven had already been changed and cleaned up. Just looking at her, it was hard to believe she was hurt…hard to believe she wasn't simply sleeping. The white of the wrappings around her wrist were the only reminders of what had happened earlier that evening…For a second, all he could see was her laying there on the floor, the ground smeared in red…the pale moonlight….shivering, he tried to force the image far into the back reaches of his mind.

Robin and Starfire were no longer in the room, leaving Cyborg sitting by Raven's side. "Robin's trying to comfort Star." He said after a moment, hearing Beast Boy enter. Relinquishing the chair to his green friend, he let out a deep sigh.

"I should have seen this coming." Beast Boy said angrily, clenching his hand together. He had seen everything that had happened…he knew she was acting oddly…but to think she'd go this far…

"Don't blame yourself." Came the instant response. "Four superheroes and none of us could do anything to prevent this…A sad situation." For a moment the two sat in silence, watching the girl before them. Finally, breaking the somber mood, Cyborg stood up. "I'm going to power down—if you start getting tired or anything, come get me." Beast Boy nodded numbly, not taking his eyes off Raven.

Hesitantly, he reached out to touch her hand, his fingers interlocking with her own. He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest, the strands of hair across her face, still damp from sweat from her earlier actions. His emotions were still unsteady. He felt like he should be mad, that he should be angry over what she just did…but seeing her like this, so defenseless…his anger dissolved, leaving a hollow feeling in his chest.

"Raven...you are an idiot." He told the girl softly. "And I'm so going to yell at you later for this." Gently, he squeezed her hand. "We are here for you…_I_ am here for you. If you die…" He stopped, refusing to think of what would happen if she died. "I'm going to help you."

There had to be a way to get through to her…to let her know they were here for her, that she wasn't alone…that no matter how hard it was getting, she didn't need to die. She couldn't die.

He stayed by her side the rest of the night, forcing his eyes to stay open. A part of him was gently telling him he should sleep. That he'd be of no use if he didn't get some rest. But to leave her was out of the question. What if she woke up? What if something happened and he wasn't here? No, he had to stay.

The swooshing sound of the door opening hardly affected him, and he jumped a bit when a hand was placed on his shoulder. Turning his head slightly, he saw the Titan leader peering down at him. "What's up Robin?" He forced a smile on his lips.

"Is everything alright?" The leader cocked his head slightly, his expression serious. By the looks of his tired face, Beast Boy doubted he had gotten much sleep either.

"She hasn't moved—so, I guess that's alright if you call that alright," Robin merely shook his head.

"I'm talking about you---are _you_ alright?" Pulling up a chair to the other side of Raven, he stared over at the changeling.

"Of course!" Beast Boy said, trying to make his voice sound back to his happy self. The other boy just continued to stare at him, seeing right through the words. "Alright, I'm not great, but dude, Raven tried to do herself in." Robin nodded, and for awhile they sat in silence.

"Why don't you get some sleep? I'll take over." He told him. Beast Boy started to protest, but instead nodded. He was getting to the point he might accidentally nod off—and if no one was here when she woke up, and she decided to do something drastic…

"I'm sleeping here though." He said pointedly, shifting to get more comfortable on his chair. The leader opened his mouth, looking ready to say something, but instead simply shrugged.

Beast Boy only left the room when he had to. For the most part he sat in the chair, just waiting for her to come to, waiting for her to open her eyes, to wake up…he didn't know what would happen when she did…but…

Two days later, he was sitting in the same chair, his head propped up with his arms. A part of him was dazing off, the late night beginning to get to him. He was starting to fall into the state of half dreaming, and wasn't sure where the dream ended and reality began. A soft moan from the bed snapped him to attention, and he was suddenly back in the room, his hands clutching the chair underneath him. Was she…?

For awhile, nothing happened. Maybe he had imagined it? Then, his heart leapt into his throat as he saw her eyes move, then open up wide. Her confusion was evident all over her face, her entire body more filled with emotion then he had ever seen it. She looked panicked, shocked…the wide eyed look giving her a sense of fear…and insanity. She didn't seem to know what was going on…

"Raven?" He said, starting to reach out. She didn't notice his words…didn't notice him. Instead, she clamored to the side of the bed, falling to the floor from the weight of her own body. She was staring feverishly at the door, dragging herself…trying to escape.

He wasn't going to let her go. He wasn't going to let her do whatever it is she was planning. As much as he wanted to believe she was trying to go do anything other then hurt herself more…from everything that had happened, he doubted it was the case.

This time, he was going to stop her.

---

Raven wasn't sure what had happened. She thought she should be dead, that all of her emotions, that all of her thoughts ought to be silenced. Instead, she could still feel them in the back of her mind, a constant aching that refused to go away. _I can't be…alive?_

Her eyes did not want to open. If she opened them, then she would have to accept wherever she was…whatever that had happened to her. She felt so tired…so drained. Her wrists were throbbing and she had a nauseating feeling in the pit of her stomach. Unintentionally she let out a soft moan as the senses overwhelmed her.

_No…I'm not suppose to be alive_. Her mind fought with her senses, trying to shut them down. Finally, her eyes flickered opened. Panicked, she stared around at the room, unsure where she was. _The infirmary. _There had been some horrible mistake. Raven kept repeating this thought over and over in her head, her own body taking over. Crawling off the bed, she tried to stand on her two legs before toppling over to the floor. The door…so close…she had to get out…Her eyes were trembling in her sockets, making it hard to focus as she slowly pulled herself forward. _I must finish this._

She wasn't supposed to be alive. She needed to fix the mistake...she needed to go away. No one could see her like this. She was darkness. She was a shadow. She shouldn't be here. Her thoughts spun round in her head, suddenly crashing to a stop as someone gently tugged on her shoulders. Startled, she spun around to face the person, flaying her arms at whomever it was trying to stop her. Her wrists stung as they were pushed against the floor, and for a second she couldn't make out who it was, the person silhouetted in the light.

"Let go of me!" She managed to yell, not caring how desperate her voice sounded. This wasn't supposed to be happening. She had to fix it.

"Raven, stop!" The guy bent close to her, Beast Boy's face peering down at her. His expression was mixed with fear and worry, as she continued to try to free herself. "Calm down!"

"This isn't right!" She managed to say. "I'm suppose to be dead." Her last words came out as a hiss. "Let me _go!" _ Her eyes turned black, Beast Boy being shoved into the far wall. She levitated herself up, hovering unsteadily in the air, before a hand gripped her, spinning her around. Beast Boy looked at her, his eyebrows furrowed, his expression turning into a frown.

"And where will you go?" He asked softly. A soft trembling ran from his fingertips into her arm.

"It's none of your concern." She looked him evenly in the eyes…but…the trembling in his hands only increased her own shaking, her own uncertainties. He reached out, gripping both of her shoulders.

"Raven—Stop this!" His voice was choked, and his eyes were looking at her pleadingly, his fingers digging into her skin. "I don't want you to die!"

"It doesn't matter what you want." Raven said venomously, trying to push him away from her. Instead, his grip tightened and he pulled her into him, his arms wrapping tightly around her.

"I'm not going to let you die." His words were hardly above a whisper. "Stop this Raven! Stop trying to be strong—stop trying to pretend nothings wrong. Stop _pretending_ you want to die."

"I'm no—"

"Yes you are!" His words cut her off. "I—we care about you too much to let you do this!"

"I'm really not…" she struggled to say, finding her body slowly going numb. She would have sunk to the floor if Beast Boy hadn't been there.

"It's okay Raven."

"No…" Again her words trailed off. Everything from the last few days…everything from Malvern's death to her own thoughts…came rushing back to her. "I didn't want him to die." She choked out, her head leaning against him. "It was my fault—and…I"

"It wasn't your fault." How could he say that so calmly, like he really knew?

"You don't understand!" Attempting to maker her words come out hatefully towards him, she was surprised when instead her voice wavered, making them almost pleading in nature.

"No, I don't." He said simply. "But I _know_ it wasn't your fault." The last of her strength was failing her. The two of them sunk to the floor, his arms still around her, one hand stroking her head, telling her over and over that everything was going to be fine. What did he know? He doesn't know anything…how could he…

Still…to be in his comforting grasp…to be told that they cared for her…that it wasn't her fault…she felt herself slowly letting go of the anger—of the _want_ to end it all…Everything she had put out instead of simply accepting the death, accepting she wanted to cry, to grieve…to for once get emotional over what had happened. Someone…someone was there for her. He…he appeared to care. And…even if she wasn't sure if it was real, if it wasn't all a lie…he was there for her, at this moment. And for now, that was enough.

Without even realizing it, she gripped the changeling tightly with her own arms, her face hiding in his chest as she let out the feelings she had been holding in, crying over the loss, her own hurting…over everything.

---

Raven cowered in his arms, sobbing into his chest as he tried his best to comfort her. He had never seen her this way…this vulnerable…this _human_. He felt his heart twist in his chest for her, for whatever it was she was going through. _I was useless!_ He ripped at himself. _Being the funny guy and not being able to do anything as she got worse and worse._ He wanted to protect her...to do anything he could to get her to stop crying.

Why…when in situations like this…did the first thing he wanted to do was to simply say those three little words to her? He wanted to tell her how much she meant to him…but it wouldn't be fair right now, right when she was like this…But...the beating in his chest, everything...

Raven…had grown quiet as she cried…exhausted by her tears and once again falling asleep. Having her so close to him, her arms still around him…

The door flying open interrupted his thoughts, and in peered Starfire and Cyborg, who were debating who would be watching Raven next. Starfire slapped her hand over her mouth as she almost let out a shriek of delight at seeing the girl awake. He raised one finger to his mouth, and slowly picked Raven back up. She muttered something unintelligible as he set her back down on the doctors table, almost looking like she was about to wake up, before falling once again into slumber.

He carefully went outside, where Cyborg and Starfire were waiting for him. "She is awake!" Starfire cried happily, but then her face fell. "She was…crying, was she not?"

"Crying might be good for her." Cyborg put one hand on the back of the head. "Well, better then the other alternative." Both Beast Boy and Starfire glared at him. "Hey, hey, it's only the truth."

"Raven will be all right now, correct?" Starfire looked hopeful. "I do not like seeing her this way."

"Hopefully." The changeling said, then grinned. "After all, I _am_ the one watching over her." Despite these smug words…doubts still plagued his mind--Raven lying on the floor...she crying in his arms--He didn't know what was going to happen.

---

This is the shortest chapter so far…and sorry about that lol, but at the same time, it didn't feel right to make it any longer….

Anyway, writing is wonderful, reading is grand…and Reviews…

Priceless.


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